Naturally Random?

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All of my life I’ve felt like I’ve never really had a niche.  Most of the kids that I grew up with had something special that they were really good at whether it was dancing, singing, drawing, sports, anything….I always admired them and wanted to be them.

When I was a kid I played piano, flute, guitar and could write music.  I enjoyed playing but when it came to performing in front of people I would get nervous.  I thought to myself, how could I even think about going to school to be a music teacher if I get nervous every time I play in front of people?  I also enjoyed learning new languages, cultures, writing, acting and softball too but never felt like these things came natural to me. I knew enough to be good at it, but not enough to be great.

When I turned 40 a few years back, I took a look at my life and realized that being so hard on myself had cost me many years of missed opportunities and unhappiness.  Instead of embracing my likes of  many different areas, I didn’t pursue any of them.  I made decisions that did not benefit me whatsoever and got into relationships that sucked the life out of me.  There were always other people in the picture and THEIR feelings and influences were always at the forefront. My interests seemed to take the back burner, and that wasn’t their fault, it was MINE!  As I sit here today, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change my life at all as it has brought me to where I am today, but I can’t help but wonder what I could have been if I would have just believed in myself back then.

As time has gone by and I have gotten older I am now enjoying ME, and I have to say that it is very refreshing (not to mention I’m actually pretty freaking awesome! Who knew?) .  I’ve also learned to accept compliments when they are given to me and take constructive criticisms as a chance to better myself.  I’m not the same person I was before and nor do I plan to ever go back there again.

Maybe being naturally random is what makes you a well rounded person?   Maybe it’s time for me to get out of my own way?  Maybe you’ll see me on a stage again someday (thanks to my aunt for getting me out of my shell for a while when she asked me to be in Grease and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas). Or maybe you’ll just see me here…blogging about random stuff.  Right here.  Right now.